The recovering overscheduler

I'm pretty sure whoever chooses the Reflection of the Day in the Boston Globe's G Section is a mind-reader. Last week, I stumbled upon one that was so in line with everything I've been thinking about lately.

"Happiness is the one thing in our lives others cannot bring." - Andre Acinan

In many ways, I think this quotation really says it all. You're responsible for your own happiness. You can't wait for other people to entertain you, and you can't rely on others to figure out what exactly you need at any given moment. It's all you. Even though I've only been living this more deliberate lifestyle for a week, I already feel so much more content and aware of what my mind and body need. It's a matter of taking control of your life.

Maybe it's just a natural part of being a twenty-something, but I often feel pressured to "live it up" and go out every night. I feel like a failure if I didn't go out to dinner, drinks, or music with friends. I'm not cut out for that life. Call me a grandma (as many of my friends do), but I really enjoy getting in bed at 10 and reading for a half hour, then getting my 8 hours of beauty rest. I like yard sales and antique stores, my bookgroup, gin & tonic, and I use anti-wrinkle cream. Staying out late every night and living an extravagant lifestyle simply isn't how I operate. The first part of being happier is figuring that out. That's easy enough. But then you have to actually follow through with that. I'm learning to develop the wherewithal to resist that pressure and to live a life that works for me.

For about a year after college, I was so enamored of my free time after work that I found myself perpetually overscheduled with social engagements. With no homework or club meetings, my time after work belonged to me, and I could spend it however I liked. I made sure I had plans with friends every single night, often double booking myself. Dinner with Friend A, then a concert with Friend B. After almost a year of that, I started to become a little more aware of how much I missed my "me time." As I waited a few minutes for a friend in a coffee shop, I would breathe a sigh of relief that she was running a few minutes late and I finally had five minutes to myself. That should have set something off in my head, but it took another couple months before I actually started addressing the problem. I was so caught up in doing, doing, doing, that I wasn't getting to enjoy any of it. Life shouldn't feel like a marathon, where you just keep chugging along uphill and can't seem to reach that nice flat straightaway.

I made a few changes -- one night a week with a book or a good movie as company, and I reserved Sundays for relaxing. Over time, I stopped seeing those "reserved" days/nights as wasted time when I was missing out on something more exciting. No matter how much I love and depend on my friends and family, I need those quiet moments in my life. I'm still learning the word "no" and training myself to stop worrying about what fun I might be missing out on, but I've made some serious steps forward.

I'm incredibly fortunate to have a solid network of friends from high school, college, and post-college in the area, but it's forced me to do some thinking and make some hard decisions. As hard as it is, sometimes you have to loosen (or even) ties with certain friends. The emotional vacuums who suck me into their drama and enshroud everything in an impenetrable lens of negativity just have no place in my life. Sometimes it's tricky to decide whether a friend is an emotional vacuum or is just going through a rough patch. The latter group needs you most, and no matter how challenging and draining it is, you have to be there for them. These people are true friends and will reciprocate your support when you need it most. However, this former group just drags you down, and you need to ease them out of your life. That can be really tricky, because you probably care about them, share mutual friends, and have a long history together, but it's worth it in the long run. I know that sounds cold-hearted, but you only live once. I've weaned myself from a few of my toxic friendships and I feel like an anvil has been lifted off my back.

At the other extreme, there is the really, really, really good friend. These people don't come along very often, and you have to do everything you can to hold on to them. They make you want to be a better person. They challenge and inspire you. They're your biggest supporters. They make you laugh so hard you cry. I have a few of these friends who I'm so in sync with that I can include them in my "me time," and their presence is a restorative comfort. Three of my favorite friends have just moved away from Boston at the same time (including one whom everyone has affectionately dubbed my "LP" - my life partner), and I feel like a part of myself is missing. They keep me grounded and stable, they tell me the hard truth when no one else is brave enough to, and they make me smile, really smile. Call me a drama queen, but I feel like there is a big gaping hole in my life now. I've never had three such dear friends leave me at the same time. Over the next few months, I know I'll be grasping on to several Boston friends a little more tightly than usual. I'll also break out my usual coping mechanisms -- High Fidelity (book and movie), copious amounts of new music (live shows and albums...watch out, bank account!), and my sister.

I've enjoyed a lovely day of cleaning, reading, and new music. Ideally, I could have another 7 days of that combo (okay, minus the cleaning, although that lysol/swiffer smell is so fresh and rejuvenating! maybe the fumes are going to my head...), but I think I'm ready to jump into a new week.

Peace out, cubscouts.